My Life As A Hobby

  For any of you in my eighth grade class, I think it’s past time for me to apologize to every one of y’all. Because if you have ever looked at our class photo, like I just finished doing, you will be reminded of what an idiotic thing I did.  Let me elaborate. In the 8th grade, I was a chunky little kid with a backpack full of insecurities - especially when it came to the opposite sex. And like a lot of guys in my class, the focus of my attention was on Regina. She was everything a 13 year old boy could ask for. Not only was she cute - she had a great personality, and was so engaging.  Back then, I was an awkward kid with a mouth quicker than my brain. Since I figured  looks were out of the question - I’d have to rely on my wit to get noticed by this girl. So, I did what any clever boy with a hopeless crush might do: I tried to make her laugh. I spared nothing out of my fledgling repertoire: bad puns, worse impressions, and comedic commentary directed toward...

  At 71 years old, the time has come. One of the last parts of my body that was still working properly finally needs help and needs it now. No, it’s not that, you sickos. It’s my eyes. At long last I’m joining the millions of people who need to wear glasses.   It all started when my grandkids began reading road signs to me from the back seat before I could read them myself. I realized they were helping, not showing off. Soon I began to notice that oncoming vehicles looked like big, blurry globs of light. What made that disturbing was it was in broad daylight. Finally, when I mistook a mailbox for a possum on a tree limb, I knew it was time to accept reality. I put my vanity on the shelf, and officially become a spectacle wearer.   Shortly after my eye test, I was herded into an adjacent shop where there were hundreds of glasses frames beautifully displayed.  It reminded me of how Disney steers you through a souvenir store when you exit a ride. But I’m not stro...

“When the rain comes, they run and hide their heads.”                                                 Rain -                                                  The Beatles  Oh, the rainy day - years ago it was a child’s natural enemy and the parents worst nightmare. Today, kids have no idea how good they have it thanks to tablets, smart phones, cable TV, and social media.  For them, a rainy day is just another excuse to lay around in their underwear and choose from an almost endless entertainment  buffet.   Not so in my time. Back then, it was pretty much an all day survival challenge, where only the strongest survived - or those willing to take a nap.  Rainy weekdays during the summer were the worst. The televisi...

Of all the toys a boy could have growing up, one of the worst had to be the plastic model kit. This so-called toy seemed to exist solely to prepare kids for frustration later in life. If a man ever finds himself clinging to a dead-end job just long enough to land something better, maybe he should thank those model kits. Not that it did me much good at the time—because as an eleven year-old, all I wanted was to build a model of Dracula. The first lesson a pre-adolescent learns about model kits is that looks can be deceiving, starting with the box. The Dracula package was incredible. It featured a lifelike, full-color illustration of the Lord of Transylvania, clearly preparing to bite the neck of some unsuspecting villager. Then I opened the box. Inside was a mishmash of pale gray plastic body parts, stacked haphazardly on top of one another. It looked like a miniature version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What a letdown. And no one told me I had to paint the stupid thing. That meant a...

  Wait for a rainy, cold, black and white movie kind of afternoon. Have a box of tissues handy, then grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. If you’ve got time, watch Casablanca. Now, go back in time and think about a break up - the one that wounded you the most, and then ask yourself, “what song could I absolutely not listen to during that sad time of my life?” Now you have a serious candidate for my list of  break-up songs.  I’ve listed a number of my breakup songs below, almost exclusively from the sixties and seventies.  There are many great ones from the eighties onward, but this is my list.  There are probably some you don’t know. I’m sure I’ve missed some, and I’m sure I have several you don’t agree with. That’s ok - because music is so personal. It’s like asking who has the best barbecue - there’s a wide variance in the answers, and all of them are correct.  To make my list, the singer needs to sound like they were  hurt. In many cases ...