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Joke On The Water

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      I’ll remember that day for a while, especially how fast everything changed. It’s still hard to believe that one minute I was in nirvana , and in an instant, it became purgatory . Let me explain.        I was on a jet ski , cruising on a lake at 40 miles an hour without a care in the world. Nothing but me, smooth water, a life jacket, and the high-pitched drone of the motor. Million dollar homes zipped by like dollhouses. I saw cliffs and trees that belonged on The Nature Channel . My world was perfect.     And then, in an instant, my placid, peaceful world vanished, not with a bang, but a whimper. Without so much as a warning, the jet ski suddenly stopped dead in the middle of the lake. More importantly, it refused to start again.      I felt betrayed because I’ve been good to that ski. I’ve changed the oil and kept it tuned. I’ve babied it on the water. It spent winters in my warm garage after I washed and waxed it. ...
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Advice For Seniors - Grow Older, Not Up!

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Sometimes you just get lucky.  Recently, I was  asked to speak to a group of senior citizens who were participating in an event called the State Master Games - it’s kind of a senior Olympics. It gave me a chance to share some of my thoughts with them about aging.   These are some excerpts from my talk.  Some are humorous, some are insightful, and hopefully all of them will be entertaining. Here we go:  …What people our age are good at is going to the doctor and describing it to everybody else. If talking about doctor visits was an Olympic sport, everybody in here would be a gold medalist.  …I know I’m officially old now because I’ve started paying attention to commercials that I used to make fun of.  Like that Life Alert advertisement where the lady says,” I’m falling and I can’t get up.” I bet you I wrote 100 jokes for Jay Leno about that -  but now, when I see that ad I go,”Heyyyyyy! Think I could use one of those.”  …I keep trying, though....
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Pop! BOOM! Oh No!

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        Pop! BOOM! Ohhhhh!     That, my friends, is the sound of two very distinctive holidays: the Fourth of July and New Year’s Eve.     Sure, we’ve got  more important ones. Like Thanksgiving, that glorious holiday of food, football, and silently thinking, “how can I be related to these people?” The thing most of us are truly thankful for is the sight of their relatives backing out of the driveway.     And of course, there’s Christmas, which isn’t really a holiday so much as a season, the season of overspending. Fun fact: the day after Christmas is a holiday that is quietly celebrated at Amazon headquarters. That’s when all their executives hold hands and sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.”     However, the Fourth of July and New Year’s Eve stand alone because they’re the only holidays we celebrate with fireworks.     I was about 12 years old when I was allowed to light real fireworks. Not those sissy ...
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Take It With A Grain Of Salt

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  I just got back from Tractor Supply, where I picked up a big ol’ chunk of rock salt. Don’t worry - it’s not for attracting deer. It’s for me. Here’s why. As part of preparing for my radioactive iodine therapy to finish off Tyrone the Tumor, I’ve been on a sodium-free diet for almost ten days. Ten of the most miserable days of my life, excluding my honeymoon. If all goes well, tomorrow is the last day, after which I’ll happily return to my old salt-snarfing ways. For all you wannabe doctors, here’s the Wikipedia version. The thyroid uses iodine (from salt) to produce hormones. To destroy what’s left of my tumor, I’ll take a radioactive iodine pill. The low-sodium diet essentially starves the cancerous thyroid tissue. When I swallow the pill, Tyrone will greedily gulp it down like a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet - and should be the end of him. Who says you can’t be a doctor? Now, let me tell you: eating no sodium ranks right up there with prepping for a colonoscopy ...
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