Take It With A Grain Of Salt

 

I just got back from Tractor Supply, where I picked up a big ol’ chunk of rock salt. Don’t worry - it’s not for attracting deer. It’s for me.

Here’s why. As part of preparing for my radioactive iodine therapy to finish off Tyrone the Tumor, I’ve been on a sodium-free diet for almost ten days. Ten of the most miserable days of my life, excluding my honeymoon. If all goes well, tomorrow is the last day, after which I’ll happily return to my old salt-snarfing ways.

For all you wannabe doctors, here’s the Wikipedia version. The thyroid uses iodine (from salt) to produce hormones. To destroy what’s left of my tumor, I’ll take a radioactive iodine pill. The low-sodium diet essentially starves the cancerous thyroid tissue. When I swallow the pill, Tyrone will greedily gulp it down like a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet - and should be the end of him. Who says you can’t be a doctor?

Now, let me tell you: eating no sodium ranks right up there with prepping for a colonoscopy on my list of “fun” experiences. (Number one was having my back waxed, but that’s another story.) After ten days of this diet, I’ve learned two things: 1) salt tastes incredible, and 2) it’s in absolutely everything.

Here’s what I couldn’t eat: cheese or dairy, fish, canned goods, bacon, ham, sausage, processed meats, chips, snacks, potato skins, pastries, French fries, salted butter - basically, all the good stuff. I didn’t tell my nurse about Sunday when I ate a small piece of bread for communion - I was afraid she would scream at me about its sodium content.

About the only thing that’s approved is Bermuda grass and cardboard. It seems the  only way to avoid most dietary salt would be to move to Pennsylvania and live with the Amish, and I think I’ll draw the line there. 

To prepare for this saltless safari, we spent two hours at Walmart (another thing not high on my fun list), reading labels. My wife seemed a little too gleeful about it. She kept holding up cans and packages saying, “Nope. Nope. Uh-uh. Not for you.” I heard the word “no” more times than a high school boy on prom night. Eventually, we filled the cart with bland food, and I began my tasteless journey.

Hopefully, tomorrow it’s over. My plan? Sit down, watch football, and lick my salt block all day. That’s what ten days of a no-sodium diet will do to you.

Tell me I’m wrong.