I Did It Again!
It’s been a while, but I’ve done it again. I locked my keys in my car. I thought that by now in our 21st century world, where we have more high tech gadgets than anyone in the 1950’s could’ve imagined, every automobile on Earth would have a foolproof method to keep this from happening. It’s true that lots of new cars have features that make it impossible. But not all of them. My truck is a prime example. And I’m living proof that if you take the right kind of moron, put him in the right kind of car, then throw in a dash of ADD, you can indeed still lock your keys in your car. Bless my heart.
I was at a shopping center when it occurred. I still can’t believe I did it. What’s worse, I’ll swear I was closing the car door while I heard the little idiot bell going off. More on that shortly.
And it happens so fast. I think the smallest measurable increment of time known to man is the time between that car door closing and realizing your keys are still in the car.
Sometimes you actually realize that you’re locking your keys in the car while you’re in the act of doing it, but that doesn’t stop you. I can imagine what the conversation between your brain and hand would sound like. Right in the middle of the door shutting, your brain’s going “No, no, no! Stop!” But your hand says, ”No prob. I got this.”
However, within a nanosecond, the hand realizes it’s made a big mistake, and yells, “Uh oh! You screwed up! What have you done?”
“What I have I done?”, the brain responds indignantly. “You’re the stupid hand that shut the door. I told you to stop! Now just look at what you’ve done!”
Too late now - the keys are locked inside. It’s the ultimate frustration. They're so close, and you can see them right there in front of you, but you can’t get your hands on them. It’s the same way most guys feel when they’re at Hooters.
At this point, you have to avoid the natural inclination which is to scream cuss words so loud that they are heard by children 14 miles away, kick the tires until you break your big toe, and shoot the engine block if you are armed. No. Instead, you must follow that time honored protocol, the tradition that began when cars first had keys. You must somehow find a coat hanger, straighten out the wire, and try to pop the lock. But believe me, it is not without its dangers. Because when you lock your keys in the car, the coat hanger in your hand magically becomes a lightning rod that attracts idiots from a 20 mile radius. Yes, now it’s a true moron magnet.
I’m sure these people mean well. However, hearing how they locked their keys in a 1971 Chevy Nova doesn’t help me at all. And personally, I believe that deep down inside, getting keys out of a locked vehicle is a game that a certain type of people want to play. It should be on Tic Tok: The Redneck Car Key Challenge.
One guy pulled up to me in a beat up Ford Truck and declared confidently in his best Southern accent, “Haaay. I kin get ‘em out - no problem!”
I politely said, “No thanks.” But what I was thinking was, “You can get ‘em out? Is that why your driver side window is made out of dry cleaning bags and duct tape?”
For the next 15 minutes, about a half dozen people tried to help me. Finally, the mall police arrived and wisely talked me out of the coat hanger option. If done improperly, it could damage the car door, screw up the door lock, and give me the measles. The best option is to take the ego bruise, pay the stupid tax, and call the locksmith. That is what I did.
Of course, I had to borrow the mall cop’s phone - because mine was inside the car with my keys.
Also, follow me on Facebook at: Joe Hobby Comedian- Writer.
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