Southern Stereotypes

 

 

This is for anyone who’s said fixin’ to, tumped over a glass, or rurnt something.  This is for the person who agrees with a statement by saying, “I heard that!”, calls every soft drink a Coke, and eats grits without sugar.  This is for married couples that think dinner at Waffle House is a perfect date night. For men who call their friends “Bubba”.  For parents who pick up their children from school at noon because a half inch of snow is forecast. This is for grandmothers who make tea so sweet that it’s almost brown glucose, and for her grandkids who wear a Panama City Beach tee shirt to school on picture day.  These are not stereotypes.  These are facts that could be a Jeopardy category – Things Southerners Do.

I’ve been all over the country, so I know that every region has its own peculiarities and nuances.  But we seem to get hammered especially hard down here.  Facts are OK, the stereotypes are not. The dictionary defines a stereotype as a widely held, but oversimplified image of a person, place, or thing.  And, I’ve experienced the stereotypes, y’all.  When I travel and people find out I’m from Alabama, some of them look at me with pity, or start with the same tired jokes.  It gets old.  But I never cease to be amazed how so many people in other parts of the country believe that most people from the South resemble Ernest T. Bass and behave like the Clampetts.  

I recall one particular incident that happened in San Francisco years ago.  I did a nice standup showcase at a comedy club, and when I came off stage, a drunk patron shook my hand, congratulated me on my set, and then asked me a question.  

“So, dude, like uh, I’ve never been to Alabama.  Do most of you guys have, you know,  electricity down there? “ It would have been more tolerable if it had been a joke.  But he was serious.

I kept a straight face and responded, “Sure.  You don’t think we walk to the outhouse in the dark do ya?”

He nodded.  I guess he was happy that I gave him a stereotypical answer to a stereotypical question.

And to show I wasn’t upset about his blatant show of ignorance, I got his name and address, and when I got back home, I sent him a nice potted plant.

It was kudzu.  

I enclosed a note that told him to plant it in his yard, and water and fertilize weekly.  I can only hope that by now his house looks like a chia pet. Like uh, put that in your stereotype file, dude.  

Over the years, lots of  television shows have shown us in a bad light.  Honey Boo Boo, Hee Haw, The Beverly Hillbillies, Gomer and Goober on the Andy Griffith Show – none of that helps.  Message to America – these are just TV shows.  Hello!  

Of course, the accent is a lot of our problem. We speak slow, and I guess that makes us sound dumb.  When I open my mouth outside of the South, it feels like my IQ drops about 50 points.    

However, some people find it charming.  When I was just out of college, I found myself in a small town in upstate New York for sales training.  The first morning I was there, I ordered breakfast in a  diner. The waitress looked over her glasses, then smiled at me and then said, “Could you say that again?”

“I’m sorry.  Didn’t you hear me?”

“Yeah, I did.  But I just want to hear you say it again. I love the way you talk!”

So, I reordered - and even asked for grits for extra effect.  The rest of the week I was her own little southern pet.  My coffee cup was never empty, by the way.

Of course the South is rural.  And there are some contree people – I know, I’ve met a bunch of them at my family reunions.  The South has a lot of problems like the rest of the country.  But I’ve been to Arizona, Nebraska, Maryland, Missouri, and Wisconsin and seen the same thing.  Rural is not stupid, it’s just another way to live your life.  So cut it out!  

And consider this:  the busiest airport in the world is in the South.  Pick-up trucks are the most popular vehicles in America.   Country music is a dominant force in entertainment.  And there is a James Beard Award Winning Restaurant in Alabama.

So get in your BMW that’s made in South Carolina, go home and sip some Tennessee Bourbon with a little Coke (you know where that was invented), then think about that vacation you’re booking on the sugar white beaches of Northwest Florida (yes, we claim it as the South).  And remember, in February, your days are colder than a glare from a teacher in study hall.  While down south we’re deciding whether or not to wear shorts.  

Bless your hearts.

Joe Hobby is a comedian from  Alabama who wrote for Jay Leno for many years. 

Find more of Joe’s stories on his blog: https://mylifeasahobby.blogspot.com/?m=1. Also, follow him on Facebook at: Joe Hobby Comedian- Writer