Just Say Mow!

 

I picked up an old rotary lawnmower at a garage sale the other day. Why? I have no idea. I guess I don’t have enough junk in my basement to be considered a hoarder - yet. In any case, the moment I saw it, I flashed back to those sweaty days of summer when I was a kid. Maybe that’s why I bought the thing. 

Some of you might not be familiar with how this machine operates.  The power to propel the mower and cut the grass comes doesn’t come from a combustion engine; instead, it’s the arms and legs of the operator.  And you didn’t just push the mower and get a row of fresh cut lawn. Oh no - instead you had to thrust the mower back and forth repeatedly so the rotary blades would spin fast enough to actually mow the grass. In summer, this made for a hot, torturous workout. My father tried to justify making me mow the lawn because, according to him, it would help me get in shape for football.  So would swimming, Dad.  

One red-letter day in my young life, Dad brought home a brand-new Sears and Roebuck motorized lawn mower.  Now all I had to do was wind and pull the starter cord about 37 times. Finally, I heard that noise, the wonderful roar all of us have heard on Saturday mornings in the summer. It was a quite a sensation - the motor was powering the blade that cut the grass!

Operating this new technology required a definite learning curve. I quickly discovered that this motorized monster could expel sticks and stones at a high velocity.  Certainly fast enough to break a basement window, which I did the first day I used it. The minute it happened, I thought I might be getting into shape for football by running from my dad.

Now, it’s hard to imagine a time when mowers weren’t motorized. Today, people even have riding lawn mowers complete with unnecessary options like headlights.  Does anyone really say,” Honey, I know it’s 1:00 AM, but just can’t get to sleep. I think I’ll go outside and cut the front yard.” 

Now some riding mowers are equipped with cruise control. Those people must own a big yard to need that kind of thing.  I find it hard to believe that now cruise control is so commonplace that lawnmowers have them.  Cruise used to be an expensive option that was only available on certain automobiles. Now it’s standard equipment on almost any car you buy.  Apparently, everyone has decided that it’s just too much muscle strain on our  right foot to continuously push the gas pedal. However, I must admit that I use it when I drive my car, along with the electronic device that automatically decelerates when you get too close to another automobile.  Maybe we should add that feature to a riding lawn mower - have it slow down so we don’t hit a mailbox or a pine tree. It’s about as silly an idea as cruise control for a lawn mower. 

Grass mowing has become big business. Go through almost any subdivision and you will see a pickup truck pulling a trailer with all kinds of  equipment on it. About six weed eaters, four leaf blowers, and a couple of sidewalk edgers flank a big zero turn mower.  It looks like a new weapon the army is about to unleash in a terrorist war.  All to cut grass! Before lawn care became corporate, there was just a kid with a lawn mower who went up and down the street, ringing the doorbell, and asking people if they needed their grass mowed. I doubt he was bonded and insured, but all of us managed. And we didn’t pay him a hundred dollars either. Of course, the kid with the lawn mower didn’t do much driveway edging because his weed eater was a hoe. He mowed as close to the mailbox as he could, and if you were lucky, he  hacked down some of the tall grass around the post.  Instead of Three Men And A Truck, we had One Man And A Hoe. 

Since the beginning of time, men have come up with things  to make their lives easier. I think that’s great; in fact I would clean the bathroom of the guy who invented air conditioning.  And you will never hear me speak a disparaging word about an elevator, escalator, or moving sidewalk.  Those devices have helped me make countless close flight connections over the years.  But some things people invent I have no use at all. Solar powered cigarette Lighter?  Shoe umbrellas?  I don’t think so.  Headlights or cruise control on a riding lawnmower?  Give me a break. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go outside and show my yard guy the manual lawn mower - and pay him, of course.  You don’t think I cut my own grass, do you? I don’t play football anymore.