My Life As A Hobby

  One of the most memorable lines I ever heard in high school was delivered to my friend Randy Culbreth when he got into a heated disagreement with our English teacher, Mrs. Duncan. After about five exasperating minutes, she put an end to it when she said, “If you want to argue,‘lil Randy, get yourself a wife.” Words of wisdom, Mrs. Duncan. If you’re in a relationship for any length of time, you are going to have arguments. And when it comes to Carol, my wife of almost 50 years, I’ve learned how to handle them - I just give up. That’s because I finally realized I’m not equipped with the arguing skills she has. I firmly believe the ability to effectively bicker is a genetic trait of the female species. Everyone knows that since the dawn of time men have been the hunter-gathers and women have been the arguers. In fact, I’ll bet that lots of prehistoric men came in from a hard day of hunting, only to hear their spouse say, “Why did you leave all of those dinosaur bones laying around t...

  I suppose a gathering of old fraternity brothers is like a gathering of war buddies.  There are always tales that are told.  Some of them are repeated, and many of them are embellished, but it doesn’t really matter - it’s about reliving common experiences with people that were important to you. And it recently happened again.  One of our fraternity brothers happened to be back in town, which gave us a perfect reason for a group of us to reconnect for lunch. Predictably, the stories began flowing.  Almost immediately, a couple of guys yelled, “Hey Joe!  Tell everybody the one about Carol and Walt!” I have recounted this story a number of times, so I felt like a DJ getting a request for a number one song.  “Most of these guys haven’t heard it,” they said.  Several of my fraternity brothers nodded in agreement. Of course, the performer that resides in me didn’t need much encouraging, so I took the stage.  As I recall, it was about an hour b...

  “You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of taste. A journey into a land without flavor .   That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Wendy’s Zone!” (Apologies to Rod Serling) Look, I’m not unreasonable, especially when it comes to fast food restaurants. Any business that relies on mostly high school kids for its labor force deserves a break now and then. But my recent experience at a Wendy’s was over the line - and it wasn’t even the employee’s fault. I’ll be honest - it wasn’t the first time Wendy’s has screwed up.  Our government seems to be run like Wendy’s, so it should come as no surprise to anyone why China is kicking our butts.  Let’s start with the facts and you be the judge. Yesterday we stopped at a Wendy’s because that Dreamsicle Frosty they have been hawking on TV has been tempting me for weeks.  I thought, “Why not do a quick drive thru? “ Little did I know that decision was about t...

  “Hey Google!  What’s the weather forecast for today?” Those are my waking words each and every morning. And during the course of the day, it’s a sure bet that one of us in our household will ask Google the same question again, just in case the forecast has changed.  For example, I will not only check to see if it’s going to rain, but then I’ll turn on the Weather Channel to see when it’s going to rain, how long it’s expected to rain, and where they expect the heaviest rain. Strangely, my activity as an unofficial weatherman drives my children nuts. It’s like pouring lemon juice on a paper cut.  I have no idea why this bugs them so.  But it does. It has even caused some fairly intense family disagreements.  Their argument is always the same. “Why do ya‘ll check the weather all the time?  Why is it so important?  You can’t control it. You can’t do one thing about it!  You’re just obsessed!” Such a Gen Z statement. By the way, I can d...