Sleazy Bake Oven

 



We just got a new oven - one of those sleek, stainless steel jobs.  Just looking at it’s simple lines, you get the impression that it would be a snap to operate. And you would be wrong. The only way to effectively work this device is to have a doctorate in engineering and a bottle of Valium.  It has an instruction manual that’s 68 pages long.  I don’t think the instruction manual for a Stealth Bomber has that many pages.  


Aside from all the technical hooey, the manual has some very important advice all new appliance owners need to know - things like, don’t use the oven door as a seat, and wear proper clothing while operating the oven. Honestly, I don’t know what proper cooking clothes are. I just know you shouldn’t fry bacon naked.  Here’s another biggie: the manufacturer implores us not to heat up corrosive chemicals on the cooktop. That’s certainly disappointing news for all those folks who like to warm up their hydrochloric acid. 


But the craziest thing about the new oven is that it has a Jewish setting.  Seriously. It enables certain features to be modified or disabled in order to comply with Jewish law.  Hmmm. I didn’t know there were that many Hasidic Jews buying kitchen appliances.  And when did our ovens get religion anyway?  I guess now we should say remember the Sabbath, and keep it at 350 degrees for an hour.  You’ll know the Jewish setting is being used when you look in the oven window and see the gravy parting down the middle.   What’s next, a Catholic stove that only cooks fish on Fridays?  A Baptist oven that refuses to bake bourbon balls?


We’ve just gone out of our minds when it comes to useless technology. My little place at the lake has an oven that’s about 25 years old. It still works fine. It has four cooking eyes, an oven door, a few knobs, and that’s it. No electronics, or gadgets that can break.   I’m sure the owner’s manual on this old model was a sheet of paper that said, “plug it in, turn it on, and cook.”  This oven will probably still be working when our new fancy-schmancy one has to have it’s mother board replaced. 


What makes this situation even more aggravating is that I am, for lack of a better word, technically challenged. Sometimes I go into a tirade trying to cut my television on and off. And I have a “patient portals” for every doctor I see now. Each one has a different password and set of rules to be able to access something as simple as a test result.  And now technology has come to the simple act of cooking. I may have to reach out to someone in their technical department to get help for the simple act of baking a roast. 


I think I’m just going to cook on the grill. 


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