I Can See Clearly Now

 At 71 years old, the time has come. One of the last parts of my body that was still working properly finally needs help and needs it now. No, it’s not that, you sickos. It’s my eyes. At long last I’m joining the millions of people who need to wear glasses. 

 It all started when my grandkids began reading road signs to me from the back seat before I could read them myself. I realized they were helping, not showing off. Soon I began to notice that oncoming vehicles looked like big, blurry globs of light. What made that disturbing was it was in broad daylight. Finally, when I mistook a mailbox for a possum on a tree limb, I knew it was time to accept reality. I put my vanity on the shelf, and officially become a spectacle wearer.  

Shortly after my eye test, I was herded into an adjacent shop where there were hundreds of glasses frames beautifully displayed.  It reminded me of how Disney steers you through a souvenir store when you exit a ride. But I’m not strolling into a place to try on a bunch of frames while a sales associate makes cooing noises when I put on a pair of tortoise shell rims.  

Besides, I made another kind of noise when I saw the prices. These were not Wal Mart readers. Instead of frames, they should be called framed, because that’s what you are when you buy them from these places. Most of them looked like they were made of regular hard plastic, but they were priced like they were carved from the tusk of a unicorn. Good grief!  You could buy several dozen eggs for what you pay for one pair of these things.

So, in true 2025 fashion, I’m purchasing my glasses using the iPhone - because if I have to look older, at least I can shop like the kids - and I’ll save a ton of money. 

I discovered there are apps that allow you virtually try on glasses. You can swipe through dozens of frames, and your phone’s camera magically pastes them on your face. It’s even possible to ask AI to choose them but you have to be careful with that. When I asked for a cool and artsy look, it fitted me with a pair of glasses that undoubtedly were rejected by Elton John.

You might think that choosing a pair of glasses is a simple thing. No it’s not. Not when you’re trying to avoid looking like the keynote speaker at an AARP convention. You see, I may be old, but I’m still chasing the cool factor. It’s not only a matter of seeing, but being seen. I don’t want glasses that scream “retirement home director.” I want them to say, “distinguished writer and jazz musician.”

So I swiped. I frowned. I squinted, I posed. I ruled out anything that made me look like an eccentric professor or someone who owns an antique store. I also avoided anything too “youthful”—there’s nothing worse than an old guy wearing spectacles designed for a TikToker with abs and no insurance.

Eventually, I found them. A pair of tortoise shell frames that said, “This guy listens to Lady Gaga and might even know how to text.” Cool without trying too hard. Mature without dipping into “retired accountant” territory. I tapped the screen and ordered them. Well, actually, I let my wife do it. She’s much more technically savvy than I am.

So here I am, a 71-year-old man stepping into the world of eyewear for the first time, armed with an iPhone and a stubborn refusal to age quietly. Anyone who knows me shouldn’t be surprised. And it is nice for cars to look like cars again. 

But glasses or no glasses, I still swear that mailbox was a possum.