The Grandparent Contract

 

I still remember when my son gingerly placed my first newborn granddaughter in my arms.

Well…he tried to.

Just as I reached out to hold her for the first time, a woman in a dark business suit carrying a clipboard and an air of authority stepped between me and the newest member of my family.

“Before you take possession of your grandchild, sir, you’ll need to review and sign this document.”

“Sign? What am I signing?” This was a baby, not an extended warranty on a Buick.

“The Grandparent Contract. I realize you haven’t done this before, but it’s standard procedure nowadays. Just makes things easier for everyone.”

She handed me a document that appeared to contain more legalese than a rental car agreement. I began skimming the highlights.

Section 1: Rule Enforcement

The Grandparent acknowledges that all rules established by the parents shall remain in effect.

However, the Grandparent retains emergency powers, including authorizing cookies before supper, extending bedtimes, and determining that one more episode of Bluey will not permanently damage the Grandchild.

Section 2: Transportation

The Grandparent agrees to transport the Grandchild to ballet, soccer, karate, gymnastics, piano lessons, church camp, birthday parties, and any other activity the parents accidentally scheduled at the same time

Section 3: Financial Obligations

The Grandparent understands the continuing need to purchase toys, clothes, bicycles, dolls, stuffed animals, candy, ice cream, and video games.

The Grandparent further agrees to purchase similar items again next week because “this one is different.”

The Grandparent shall be required to purchase at least one toy costing less than twenty dollars during every trip to a grocery store, discount store, or similar retail outlets.

Purchases exceeding twenty dollars shall be permitted provided the Grandchild agrees not to mention them to the parents.

Section 4: Photographic Duties

The Grandparent agrees to carry no fewer than 247 photos of the Grandchild. This number may exceed 400 after Christmas, birthdays, or kindergarten graduation.

The Grandparent shall also display these photographs to complete strangers whether they ask to see them or not.

Section 5: Emotional Liability

The Grandparent understands that the slightest, most imperceptible scratch shall be treated as a major medical emergency that always requires a Band Aid and an excessive amount of emotional concern.

Section 6: Nutritional Requirements

The Grandparent shall maintain a sufficient inventory of chicken fingers, french fries, ranch dressing, cookies, crackers, chips, popsicles, and ice cream.

These items shall collectively constitute a balanced meal while at the Grandparent’s house.

Any objections by the parents of the Grandchild concerning preservatives, food dyes, sugar content, or nutritional value shall be considered null and void while at the Grandparent’s home.

Section 7: Housekeeping

The Grandparent agrees to attempt to require the Grandchild to clean up before leaving.

The Grandparent further acknowledges that these cleanup efforts will create an entirely new mess requiring cleanup after the Grandchild departs.

The Grandchild shall not be held liable for injuries sustained by the Grandparent after stepping barefoot on Legos, Barbie dolls, or Hot Wheel toy cars left on the floor.

 An exception for involuntary swearing is allowed if the event occurs in the dark between 2:00 a.m. and 5:00 a.m.

Section 8: Television Obligations

The Grandparent agrees to watch no fewer than twenty-four consecutive episodes of Bluey, Paw Patrol, SpongeBob SquarePants, or any other program selected by the Grandchild.

Should the Grandchild utter the phrase, “I want to watch it again,” the Grandparent shall immediately restart the episode regardless of personal preference or mental stability.

Section 9: Overnight Visits

The Grandparent agrees to host regular sleepovers to help preserve the parents’ sanity.

The Grandparent shall also honor the Grandchild’s requests for one more story, one more drink, one more hug, or one more trip to the bathroom.

Sleeping grandchildren may occupy the Grandparent’s bed regardless of objections from the spouse, the dogs, or the chiropractor.

Section 10: Return-to-Parent Procedures

No less than one hour before returning the parents, the Grandparent shall administer sufficient quantities of sugar to the Grandchild to ensure maximum enthusiasm for the next several hours.

The Grandparent acknowledges this tradition has been faithfully practiced for generations.

Section 11: Rest and Recovery

The Grandparent shall be entitled to a minimum of twenty-four hours of recovery after caring for the Grandchild without assistance.

By signing below, you acknowledge that your life is about to become noisier, busier, more expensive…and infinitely happier.

“Where do I sign?”

She handed me a pen, and pointed to a line.

Then they finally placed that little girl in my arms. Turns out the 

contract was right—especially the “infinitely happier” part.

The woman smiled as she walked away, and said,

“I’ll see you in about thirteen years.”

“Why?”

“That’s when you sign the Teenage Addendum.”