Performance Anxiety
I had been doing stand up for a few years, progressing along at a pretty good clip, considering I still had a “day job”. Comedy Club owner Bruce Ayers had developed enough confidence in me to start booking me in corporate gigs. These are well paying jobs, coveted by all comedians. So when “Comedy Club” showed up on my phone, I picked up immediately. It usually meant money in my pocket. Today’s call was a bit different, however.
Bruce spoke, “Hey Vern (back then, everyone was Vern), what are you doing next Saturday nite? I might have a thing for you.” Thing was the comedy code word for a paying gig.
“It doesn’t pay a whole lot, but it will be great exposure for you. The Temptations and the Four Tops need an opening act for their show at the Amphitheater. There will be 7,000 people out there. It’s a great way to really get your name out there.”
Wow. The fact that it was in front of that many people in an outdoor venue was a big hook. Scary, but alluring. I answered the siren’s call quickly. “I’ll do it.”
I wasn’t sure how much this gig would differ from a comedy club, but I knew it would. So I decided to reach out to Jay Leno. By now, I had been writing monologue jokes for him for a while, and we had struck up an amicable relationship. I didn’t like to bother him with a lot of unimportant phone calls, but I knew he would be more than happy to give me some advice on how to deal with a gig like this. Jay has worked venues from strip clubs to football stadiums, so he was an excellent resource.
“Hobby, how ya doin’?,” Leno’s distinctive voice came thru thru the receiver. After a little small talk, I got to the purpose of the call.
“Hey, I need some advice and I knew you could help. I’ve got a gig coming up - it’s in an outdoor amphitheater. I’m opening for a couple of singing groups.”
“Yeah? What kind of groups?”, Jay fired back.
“It’s really two groups - the Temptations and The 4 Tops performing together. You know, sixties stuff.”
“Oh, you’ll be fine,”he responded. “Hard rock and heavy metal bands can be a little tricky. See, those fans take their drugs and time them to kick in when the band comes on stage. And they get pissed when a comic comes on and throws the timing off. I opened for Megadeath once, and they threw bottles and lit cigarettes at me. I did my 30 minutes and got off the stage.”
Typical Leno. Not only has he done it all, he loves to impart that knowledge to other comics. We went over a few more small details - how to play to the crowd, timing’;””stuff like that. Then he gave a another great piece of advice.
“And don’t forget, you’ll have the numbers working in your favor.”
I didn’t get it, so I asked, “What do you mean?”
“In a comedy club, if only 20% of the crowd laughs at a joke, that’s what - - 80 people? That same 20% in an outdoor show Is over a thousand people.”
I had never considered that, but Jay was right. This was a comforting bit of math.
But by the night of the gig, I had forgotten all about the percentages. That’s because the first thing I did after getting backstage was look at the crowd. I saw people - a lot of them. The bottom bowl of the amphitheater was almost full, and we had an hour before the show started. Immediately, I felt a gush of adrenaline and a knot in my stomach. However, I told myself this was a feeling not to be feared, but embraced. Let me explain. Almost every time I’m go on stage, I have an anxious feeling. It’s not pleasant. Sometimes I feel like I may go blank with that microphone in my hand. To give me some comfort, I will even carry a folded copy of my set list in my pocket. It’s like a comedic pacifier.
Over time, I began to realize something about my anxiety. If I’m not nervous before I go on stage, the show undoubtedly will be flat. I think the nerves give me an extra edge and focus to my performance. Consequently, I learned to embrace the uneasy sensation that most people hate. Either that, or I’m lying to myself. On this night, it was a little of both. Even with the Leno pep talk, that was a big crowd out there.
Ten minutes before show time the stage manager prepped me, saying,” Give us a good 25 minutes or so. You’ll enter and exit the stage to your left. It’s almost dark, but don’t worry. We’ll have someone there to show you the way on and off. Use the microphone that’s in the middle of the stage.”
I retreated to a corner and pulled out my crib notes one final time - reviewing the jokes I knew by heart. If ever I needed a comedy pacifier, it was now. The knot in my stomach was larger than it had ever been.
I got to the edge of the stage, looked at the crowd again, and waited for my intro, which came quickly.
“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, comedian Joe Hobby!”
Immediately, I was illuminated by two spotlights from the towers half way up the hill. I was sure I needed SPF 50 to just get thru the set. Now I understood what the term, “being in the spotlight,”meant. It was me all by myself, the center of everyone’s attention. I walked on the stage to polite applause from almost 8,000 people.
I grabbed the microphone, and went right into my set. My initial strategy was to start quick so I wouldn’t have time to think about how many people are watching me. It didn’t began well. The initial response to my jokes was lukewarm at best. Maybe it took a few minutes for them to adjust to the fact that I wasn’t going to be singing. Whatever the reason, after about 3 minutes I began to believe that I might actually bomb. This was not helped by the fact that Bruce Ayers, who was backstage for moral support, kept moving further away from me with each tepid joke I told. Another half dozen gags like this, and he would be standing in the middle of I 59.
Then it happened. They began to laugh. I don’t recall what joke or bit they liked, but the crowd responded. Maybe they just started to pay attention. Whatever the reason, laughter seemed to grow louder and longer with each passing minute. Even Bruce started moving back towards me.
How quickly things changed. Suddenly, I was killing! The average jokes we’re getting big laughs - and when I did a strong punchline, Whoom! I could literally feel the laughter on my skin. I have never experienced anything like that. I had thousands of people in the palm of my hand. This is indeed a powerful drug. Looking out over the crowd, I saw a full moon rising between the two light towers. It was totally surreal.
The 25 minutes passed much too quickly. I ended to thunderous applause, then a roadie with a flashlight guided me off the stage. Talk about feeling big time!
Bruce met me, smiling broadly. He said, “You killed, Joe Joe!” All I could do was smile back.
I turned and came face to face with the Temptations and the Tops. They began to pat me on the back and give me high fives. One of them spoke. “All right. That’s the way to set up a good show, man. You were talking to them about stuff people our age know about.” High praise indeed coming from these professionals.
I grabbed a drink while I watched the entire performance from the right hand side of the stage, still basking in the excitement and afterglow of my performance.
Before the final song, I walked down, got in my car, and left early to beat the traffic. I stopped at a nearby service station to get some gas and a snack. That’s when I overheard two girls in the next aisle over talking.
“It is not him. It can’t be.”
“It is too. It looks just like him.”
“Well, if you're so sure, why don’t you go ask and see what he says?”
“Maybe I will.”
I smiled to myself as they turned the corner to face me. Time to have some fun.
One of them walked up to me and spoke, “Excuse me, but were you just over at the amphitheater doing comedy on stage?”
I looked at her blankly and said, “What are you talking about?”
Her face fell as the other girl smirked. Then I smiled, grabbed the collar of my wild patterned Hawaiian shirt and said, “you don’t think there’s another shirt this ugly in Birmingham, Alabama do you?”
They laughed, told me how they loved my set, and then asked for autographs. Another first! It was kind of embarrassing. Up until now, the only people who wanted my signature were waitresses, drug store clerks, and gas station attendants.
When I got home, I tried to get some sleep. It wouldn’t come. I kept staring at the ceiling, thinking about the events of that evening, until I finally drifted off.
I was rudely awakened the next morning by my wife. “Joe! Joe, get up! The toilets overflowing. You need to get the plunger and unstop it.”
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
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