Snakes Hiss Me Off!

Today I almost stepped on a snake during my morning walk. For those of you who think an overweight 66 year old man can’t jump, I beg to differ. Put me in the path of a snake, and I will show you a vertical leap that would make LeBron James proud. Followed closely by a high stepping dance and a scream so shrill you would think came from a falsetto opera singer.

Later in the day I told a friend about my early morning encounter. He asked me, “What kind of snake was it?” This is the standard question you get from anyone when you recount a snake story. Like I care. It was a snake. I don’t know the variety. Let’s just say it was copper-headed rattle moccasin. That should about cover it. Look, I know there are good snakes, but I can’t get there. I hate snakes. Hate them.  God said snakes are bad and that’s good enough for me.  And they scare me. If I run over a dead one in my car, I raise my legs up.

Of course there are people who like them. Some of them even own exotic “pet snakes”. Pet snakes indeed. In my opinion, the words pet and snake should never be used together in the English language.

They’re not fluffy, cute or adorable. They look evil. And why would you want to own something that can kill you? What is the thought process that even goes into that decision?

“Honey, I was thinking - we should get a pet to have around the house. But what to get? Hmmm. You’re allergic to cats, and dogs are just high maintenance. Wait! I’ve got it! What about a poisonous reptile?”

Whenever I hear talk about pet snakes, I always think about a guy in Moody, Alabama - a little suburb just outside of Birmingham. Several years ago, he had this whole community terrorized when the spitting cobra he owned escaped. This was a serpent so lethal that you would die within 45 minutes of a bite without anti venom. As if that wasn’t enough, it could spit poison accurately up to 10 feet, causing blindness if it got in your eyes. Sounds like the perfect pet right? Just one step below a Golden Retriever. I’m sorry, but in my opinion, this man was out of his mind. This is what happens when the snake and it’s owner only have two teeth each.

They looked for weeks and never found it. And that bothered  me. See, I think the spitting cobra bred with a southern rattlesnake. Do you know what that means? Now the woods may be full of snakes that can hock poison  luggies Poisonous luggie hocking snakes.

I also remember how crazy the local news reporters were when this story broke. I suppose it’s difficult not to talk about a missing spitting cobra scaring a bunch of people half to death. For several weeks it seemed that every broadcast was chocked full of footage showing teams in protective gear searching for this missing varmit.

But what I will forever remember is what one of the broadcasters said.  It has to be one of the most useless pieces of advice that has ever been given. This guy said that if you are in the area and spot the snake, cover your eyes so it can’t spit venom in them. Let me tell you something. If I saw that snake, the only place it would spit venom on me would be the back of my pants.

That’s because when properly motivated, a 66 year old man can also run really fast.

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#ihatesnakes

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