At Auctions - Let The Sucker Beware!

 




In a way, it’s part circus - complete with a barker and strange onlookers.  It can be loud and raucous. The only thing missing is a bearded lady.  I’m talking about an auction, and I attend them regularly.  


Since I have a couple of booths in an antique mall, auctions and estate sales are important sources of inventory for me.   And they’re fun!   I enjoy watching the people. And of course, bidding wars are always entertaining. It’s amazing what people buy when they get caught up in the emotion of the hunt. 


If you go to an auction and intend to participate, keep in mind that there are a few rules you need to be aware of.  Break one at your own peril.  


The first rule: be careful not to do anything that the auctioneer might interpret as bidding.  At one auction I got the hiccups and bobbed my head a number of times.  I ended up spending $95 on a ball point pen. 


The second and most important rule is one that I break frequently: get there early, and examine the items you plan to bid on. Auctions always sell everything “as is”.  Once you buy it - it’s yours - no matter what’s wrong with it. So if you intend to bid on anything, do yourself a favor and look it over carefully.  I have broken this rule many times; and as a result have a basement full of stuff that will eventually end up being donated to a thrift store, or just thrown away.    Normally it’s a piece of furniture with a scratch or a split leg; maybe an old quilt that has a couple of holes you didn’t notice.  Even a crack in some glass. It’s usually something you should’ve caught. However, sometime the flaws aren’t that obvious.  Once I bought what appeared to be a nice old toy cash register without looking over it at all.  When I got home and pushed the No Sale button, the money drawer flew out and hit the floor, terrorizing a sleeping cat. 


You would think I would’ve learned by now, but noooooooo!   It happened again last week. I had arrived late and took a seat.  No time to peruse all the items that are up for sale.  Soon after, the auctioneer’s assistants brought out what appeared to be two fairly large lighthouses for bidding. I liked them; they looked like nice pieces of yard art. Unfortunately, was out bid by what was probably a near sighted gentleman sitting a couple of rows in front of me.  However, he only wanted one of them.  “What a good stroke of luck”, I thought. I’ll get the other one!  And I did. From 50 feet away it looked like a squatty lighthouse; however, when the auctioneer’s assistant brought it to me, a closer examination revealed it was no lighthouse at all - instead it was a windmill without any blades!  I felt like such a sucker.  My auction buddy sitting beside me took one look, broke out laughing, and said, “ I think I saw a Barbie doll without arms you might want to bid on.”  I cursed him, elbowed him in the ribs, then laughed out loud as well. That’s all you can do when you break a rule like this. Believe me, this piece is already halfway to the thrift store.


Once again auction rookies,  always do your homework, because at an auction it’s caveat emptor (look it up if you don’t know what it means).


Now I’m going to big on (what looks like) some windmill blades on eBay. 



Joe Hobby is a stand up comedian, an author, and a blogger. Visit https://mylifeasahobby.blogspot.com/?m=1. for more.  


Also, follow him on Facebook at: Joe Hobby Comedian-Writer. 


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