At Auctions - Let The Sucker Beware!

 




In a way, it’s part circus - complete with a barker and strange onlookers.  It can be loud and raucous. The only thing missing is a bearded lady.  I’m talking about an auction, and I attend them regularly.  


Since I have a couple of booths in an antique mall, auctions and estate sales are important sources of inventory for me.   And they’re fun!   I enjoy watching the people. And of course, bidding wars are always entertaining. It’s amazing what people buy when they get caught up in the emotion of the hunt. 


If you go to an auction and intend to participate, keep in mind that there are a few rules you need to be aware of.  Break one at your own peril.  


The first rule: be careful not to do anything that the auctioneer might interpret as bidding.  At one auction I got the hiccups and bobbed my head a number of times.  I ended up spending $95 on a ball point pen. 


The second and most important rule is one that I break frequently: get there early, and examine the items you plan to bid on. Auctions always sell everything “as is”.  Once you buy it - it’s yours - no matter what’s wrong with it. So if you intend to bid on anything, do yourself a favor and look it over carefully.  I have broken this rule many times; and as a result have a basement full of stuff that will eventually end up being donated to a thrift store, or just thrown away.    Normally it’s a piece of furniture with a scratch or a split leg; maybe an old quilt that has a couple of holes you didn’t notice.  Even a crack in some glass. It’s usually something you should’ve caught. However, sometime the flaws aren’t that obvious.  Once I bought what appeared to be a nice old toy cash register without looking over it at all.  When I got home and pushed the No Sale button, the money drawer flew out and hit the floor, terrorizing a sleeping cat. 


You would think I would’ve learned by now, but noooooooo!   It happened again last week. I had arrived late and took a seat.  No time to peruse all the items that are up for sale.  Soon after, the auctioneer’s assistants brought out what appeared to be two fairly large lighthouses for bidding. I liked them; they looked like nice pieces of yard art. Unfortunately, was out bid by what was probably a near sighted gentleman sitting a couple of rows in front of me.  However, he only wanted one of them.  “What a good stroke of luck”, I thought. I’ll get the other one!  And I did. From 50 feet away it looked like a squatty lighthouse; however, when the auctioneer’s assistant brought it to me, a closer examination revealed it was no lighthouse at all - instead it was a windmill without any blades!  I felt like such a sucker.  My auction buddy sitting beside me took one look, broke out laughing, and said, “ I think I saw a Barbie doll without arms you might want to bid on.”  I cursed him, elbowed him in the ribs, then laughed out loud as well. That’s all you can do when you break a rule like this. Believe me, this piece is already halfway to the thrift store.


Once again auction rookies,  always do your homework, because at an auction it’s caveat emptor (look it up if you don’t know what it means).


Now I’m going to big on (what looks like) some windmill blades on eBay. 



Joe Hobby is a stand up comedian, an author, and a blogger. Visit https://mylifeasahobby.blogspot.com/?m=1. for more.  


Also, follow him on Facebook at: Joe Hobby Comedian-Writer. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

God & The Rolling Stones

Image
  “'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. '” —  Jeremiah 29:11 .  It’s not often that I put a plan together that works. Normally, anything I come up with will almost certainly go awry, and that’s certainly how one of my latest schemes  began.  Amazingly, shortly after this plan of mine began to unravel, it turned 180 degrees and became one of the best things I’ve ever done. So, as a believer, I feel like that the Almighty had His hand in this - even if it was a Rolling Stones concert.  I still maintain that it was a good idea. The minute Stones concert tickets went on sale, I bought two pair - for us and another couple. Then greed took over my soul and I decided to speculate and buy four more tickets to sell at a ridiculous profit. If I played my cards right, I might have made enough money to buy a Maserati, or even a shopping basket full of groceries....
Read more

Joe Willie, Finebaum, And Me

Image
  When my cell phone rang, the name on the screen flashed Paul Finebaum. This wasn't an unusual occurrence because I had been writing jokes for Paul to use at his many speaking engagements.   We also occasionally ate lunch together.   No death threats please - I like Paul. While I don’t always care for his schtick, I know he’s not like his radio persona.  For example, once during a conversation, I told him how much I liked Pat Conroy, the great southern author. A few weeks later, Paul called me and said, “I’ve got Conroy on the show tomorrow. Why don’t you come up and meet him?  You can talk to him during the commercial breaks.”  An act of kindness I’ve never forgotten.   I digress. Unusual call or not, my curiosity was piqued. I picked up my cell, and after some chit-chat, Finebaum told me why he phoned.  “You know about that charity roast of me coming up in a couple of weeks?”  Of course I knew. The airwaves had been hawking it for ov...
Read more

Back In The Saddle Again

Image
I never officially retired from comedy.     I kind of faded into the sunset.  I suppose I could trace the time back to when Jay Leno quit the Tonite Show.  He tried to help me get together with Jimmy Fallon, but it just didn’t work out. And when I stopped writing jokes every day for Jay,  maybe the sense of urgency to “think funny” stopped.      But I firmly believe that the cumulative effect of my son’s drug addiction, coupled with him being shot, arrested, and spending 7 years in a federal prison, caused something to die in me.  It was comedy. What used to be a burning desire to write and perform shrunk to a pilot light. It didn’t seem to matter anymore. I have told close friends that dealing with all the problems my son had raped me of my spirit.  It was collateral damage from his drug use. Addiction sucks.   So, aside from the occasional smart alec remark on social media, I left comedy alone.  Oh, I would occasionally find ...
Read more