Halloween - Not Just For Kids Anymore

Remember when Halloween was just for little kids? If you’re like me, you can recall going door to door wearing that lame, store-bought pirate costume you just had to have.  The one that had the slinky outfit that covered your regular clothes and was topped off by the cheap plastic mask with the frozen facial expression.  It was almost impossible to see or breathe out of that thing.  And before you went out trick or treating, your Mom made sure you put on a jacket over the entire outfit. Talk about a buzz kill.  I never saw a buccaneer wearing a windbreaker, matey. But it didn’t matter, because you always brought back about half a pillowcase full of candy. Some of it was so chewy that you would pull out at least three fillings. I don’t know why the American Dental Association doesn’t sponsor this holiday. 

Eventually, you out grew the whole Halloween thing. It became another fond childhood memory.  

But times have changed. Now adults are all up in  Halloween. In fact, it’s the biggest holiday after Christmas. Grown ups put out elaborate lawn decorations and have huge costume parties. I think it’s because they can dress up and act like kids while drinking alcohol. Immaturity and beer - what a great combination. 

The company I worked for went all out for Halloween. Every year there was a costume contest and chili luncheon.  Everyone from the CEO down took dressing up seriously. There were always some people wearing store-bought masks and outfits, but the get-ups that got the most admiration were the ones that were homemade.  

This fit my inner child to a tee. Being right-brained and blessed with an active imagination, I loved the challenge of coming up with a costume.  For example, I recall going to an adult Halloween party as R2D2, complete with hand rigged flashing lights and whirring sounds. I topped that outfit the next year when I dressed as Gumby. It was so hot in that foam rubber get-up I almost hyperventilated. In the late seventies, we christened our first house  by having a Saturday Night Live costume party. Instead of a Conehead or a Blues Brother, I went as King Tut - a great Steve Martin character from an SNL skit.  Back then I could pull it off. Now I would look like an old bloated pharaoh. 

The company Halloween celebration gave me the opportunity to come up with a costume every year. Admittedly, they weren’t all great. I had some that were just OK, like Clark Kent, or Woody from Toy Story. By the way, I bought that costume on line and the stretch pants were so undersized that when I squeezed into them you could tell I wasn’t Jewish.  Some of my better costumes included Fred Flintstone, Harry Potter, and Cousin Eddie.  

But the most memorable outfits were the ones where I dressed up like a woman. Seeing a big guy like me in drag always created the shock effect that I wanted. Believe me, when I walked in the office as Devil With A Blue Dress On, it got people’s attention. 

But it wasn’t enough to just put on a dress - oh no, no, no - it had to be better than that.  For example, on the Halloween before my retirement, I dressed up as the Viking woman you see at an opera. It was complete with a horned helmet, braided wig, breastplate, and spear.  To complete the look, I carried a sign that said, “The Fat Lady’s About To Sing.”  A perfect choice for my last office party. 

Where did I come with these ideas?  Beats me. I do know the inspiration  for my all-time favorite costume from my granddaughter. When I saw her dressed up as Dorothy to go see a production of The Wizard of Oz, I immediately knew what I would be next Halloween.  

It wasn’t easy.  My wife had to sew the dress after I procured the trademark blue checked material.  When I added a pigtailed wig and a basket with a stuffed Toto, I was almost ready to sing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow.”  

Almost. I was still missing a key piece of the costume - the ruby red slippers, my pretty.  Dorothy without ruby red slippers is like Dolly Parton without… well, you know. 

So I visited every thrift store in the area until I found a pair of women’s flats in a men’s 11D. That was no easy task. A visit to Lowe’s for some spray glue, followed by a stop at Hobby Lobby for some red glitter, and I was ready to go.

It was simple really: I sprayed the glue on the shoes, dumped them in a plastic bag full of red sparkles, and - Shake n’ Bake, In seconds, I had ruby red slippers. 

They turned out great -  except for all the loose glitter that came off when I clicked my heels. Months  later, I was still finding traces of it in the floorboard of my car. 

The outfit was a smashing success. It was exactly what I wanted - people  were speechless for a few seconds, and then burst out laughing. We took all kinds of pictures of me in various poses - my favorite was one in the Men’s Room that shall not be posted.  

After the hoopla subsided, Dan, one of my favorite buddies, walked into my office, smirked, and said,  ”Do you ever think about the real reason why you like to dress up as a woman?”

I deadpanned, “That’s between me and my psychiatrist. Now excuse me, because I’ve got to go and adjust my bra.”

Happy Halloween everyone!  

Joe Hobby is a comedian from  Alabama who wrote for Jay Leno for many years. 

Find more of Joe’s stories on his blog: https://mylifeasahobby.blogspot.com/?m=1. Also, follow him on Facebook at: Joe Hobby Comedian- Writer.