The Egg-Splosion

 

My wife Carol can’t cook.  Let me clarify - technically she can, but she doesn’t like to. The dishes in her culinary repertoire are basic things like scrambled eggs, green beans, and a casserole or two.  An empty foil pan at a church covered dish attests to the fact that she makes a good pecan pie. However, day to day cooking usually falls on me. And while I’m always willing to try and prepare something new, recipe is a four letter word to her. 

Even so, I had no idea she could make the kitchen such a dangerous place. I learned otherwise not to long ago.  After supper we had settled in for the evening in the usual manner; she was watching some syrupy movie on her iPad while I scanned TV channels looking for the show where they finally caught Bigfoot. 

Suddenly, there was a loud pop from the kitchen. Our two dogs, laying peacefully on the floor, jumped up and hi-tailed it to the bedroom like it was the Fourth of July.  Carol looked at me and said, “What in the world was that? Did something fall?”

Before I could answer there was another pop, louder than before.  I got up and bolted to the kitchen.  It was time for the head of the house to confront this home invasion - or whatever it was.  

I turned the corner and didn’t see anything. So I moved cautiously around the kitchen island and was suddenly hit by a disgusting smell.  For a minute I thought I had found Bigfoot.  It was like  being in a nasty service station restroom.  Holding my nose, I looked down on the stove and found the answer to the mystery.  Sitting on top of a lit burner was a small bowl containing 6 eggs - and no water. Two of the eggs had already exploded from the heat. 

I quickly reached out to cut off the gas when “Ka- Pow!”, another egg detonated, scaring me half to death. I jumped back from the island, covered with bits of shell, yolk, and humiliation. 

In a matter of seconds, anger displaced my shock.  I walked back into the den wiping the egg out of my eyes and yelling,” I found out what it was!”

“What?”

“We’re you boiling any eggs?”, I asked pointedly. 

She looked at my face, which resembled a 2 year old who tried to eat an omelet.  Then made a poor effort to stifle her laughter, and said,” Oh, I forgot to cut them off.”

“So, this is funny is it? I responded angrily. What if a piece of egg shell hit me in the eye?”

“But it didn’t.”  Then she giggled and said, “Maybe I should’ve yelled, ‘Fire in the hole!’”

She was on a roll now.  “You could write a blog about it. I’ve got the perfect title. The Yolk’s On Me”, or “Egg On My Face”.  No, no, no - how about “Shell Shocked?”

I stood there fuming in silence, wondering if this mockery would be a legal defense for her murder.  

Then I spoke. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out while you’re cleaning up the mess you made.” 

The laughter abruptly stopped. “But how will I get it off the ceiling?”, she asked.  

“Not my problem. If you can make up funny names for blogs, then I’m sure you’ll figure that out”.  And I turned and headed to the bathroom to wash my face.  

As stupid as this is, it pales in comparison to  another idiotic episode in a kitchen.  Thank heavens it didn’t involve me. Several years ago, one of my work associates, Ronnie, told me this story on himself. 

One Sunday morning before she left for church, Ronnie’s wife told him to turn on the oven and put the ham inside.  That way it would be properly heated and ready for the family lunch in a couple of hours.  

After worship, she returned to the house to find a fire truck in her driveway.  Rushing straight to the kitchen, she saw the oven smoldering, it’s door blown off the hinges. The wall across from it was impregnated with shards of metal shrapnel.  Bits of pork were everywhere. 

“What did you do?”, she screamed at her husband.    

Ronnie replied calmly, “I did exactly what you told me to do.  I put the ham in the oven.  And you didn’t say anything about taking it out of the can first.”  

Holiday cooking season is right around the corner. Please be careful in the kitchen, ya’ll. 

Joe Hobby is a stand up comedian, an author, and a blogger. Visit https://mylifeasahobby.blogspot.com/?m=1. for more.  

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