It’s Complicated!



We got a new oven today.  It’s one of those sleek, stainless steel jobs.  Just looking at its simple design, you get the impression that it would be a snap to operate.  And you would be wrong. The only way to effectively work this device is to have a doctorate in engineering and a bottle of Valium. It has an instruction manual that’s 68 pages long.  I don’t think an instruction manual for the F-14 Tomkat fighter jet has that many pages.  Lest you forget: the Tomkat is made to attack and destroy our enemies while it’s flying at supersonic speed.  All I want to do is cook a pot roast. 


Aside from all the technical hooey, the manual has some great advice all new oven owners need - important reminders like don’t use the oven door as a seat, and wear proper clothing while operating the oven. So I guess all those times I was reheating a hamburger in the microwave while wearing my underwear was a mistake.  Here’s another biggie: do not heat corrosive chemicals in the device. That’s certainly disappointing news for all those folks who like to warm up their hydrochloric acid. 


The oven has is a Jewish setting . Seriously. It allows you to set the timer to cook before the Sabbath.  Honestly, I didn’t know there were that many Hasidic Jews buying kitchen appliances.  And when did our appliances get religion anyway?  I guess now we should say remember the Sabbath and keep it at 350 degrees for an hour.  You know the Jewish setting is being used when you look in the oven window and see the gravy parting down the middle.  What’s next, a Catholic stove that only cooks fish on Fridays? 


We’ve just gone out of our minds when it comes to accessories and so-called improvements on, well, everything. I’m all for progress, and love inventions that have made my life easier, but so many of them are useless. How about a Tic Tac dispenser that keeps the mints from rattling in your pocket?  That’s a great idea - if you’re a stalker. Did you know there’s a hot sauce syringe that infuses hot sauce inside your burrito? And an iPhone case with a compartment for candy like M&Ms and Skittles? 


Thomas Edison would be so proud. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

God & The Rolling Stones

Image
  “'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. '” —  Jeremiah 29:11 .  It’s not often that I put a plan together that works. Normally, anything I come up with will almost certainly go awry, and that’s certainly how one of my latest schemes  began.  Amazingly, shortly after this plan of mine began to unravel, it turned 180 degrees and became one of the best things I’ve ever done. So, as a believer, I feel like that the Almighty had His hand in this - even if it was a Rolling Stones concert.  I still maintain that it was a good idea. The minute Stones concert tickets went on sale, I bought two pair - for us and another couple. Then greed took over my soul and I decided to speculate and buy four more tickets to sell at a ridiculous profit. If I played my cards right, I might have made enough money to buy a Maserati, or even a shopping basket full of groceries.  The long an
Read more

Joe Willie, Finebaum, And Me

Image
  When my cell phone rang, the name on the screen flashed Paul Finebaum. This wasn't an unusual occurrence because I had been writing jokes for Paul to use at his many speaking engagements.   We also occasionally ate lunch together.   No death threats please - I like Paul. While I don’t always care for his schtick, I know he’s not like his radio persona.  For example, once during a conversation, I told him how much I liked Pat Conroy, the great southern author. A few weeks later, Paul called me and said, “I’ve got Conroy on the show tomorrow. Why don’t you come up and meet him?  You can talk to him during the commercial breaks.”  An act of kindness I’ve never forgotten.   I digress. Unusual call or not, my curiosity was piqued. I picked up my cell, and after some chit-chat, Finebaum told me why he phoned.  “You know about that charity roast of me coming up in a couple of weeks?”  Of course I knew. The airwaves had been hawking it for over a month.  “Well, I just got just got
Read more

Back In The Saddle Again

Image
I never officially retired from comedy.     I kind of faded into the sunset.  I suppose I could trace the time back to when Jay Leno quit the Tonite Show.  He tried to help me get together with Jimmy Fallon, but it just didn’t work out. And when I stopped writing jokes every day for Jay,  maybe the sense of urgency to “think funny” stopped.      But I firmly believe that the cumulative effect of my son’s drug addiction, coupled with him being shot, arrested, and spending 7 years in a federal prison, caused something to die in me.  It was comedy. What used to be a burning desire to write and perform shrunk to a pilot light. It didn’t seem to matter anymore. I have told close friends that dealing with all the problems my son had raped me of my spirit.  It was collateral damage from his drug use. Addiction sucks.   So, aside from the occasional smart alec remark on social media, I left comedy alone.  Oh, I would occasionally find some things that are funny.  I still liked to make my frien
Read more