It’s Complicated!



We got a new oven today.  It’s one of those sleek, stainless steel jobs.  Just looking at its simple design, you get the impression that it would be a snap to operate.  And you would be wrong. The only way to effectively work this device is to have a doctorate in engineering and a bottle of Valium. It has an instruction manual that’s 68 pages long.  I don’t think an instruction manual for the F-14 Tomkat fighter jet has that many pages.  Lest you forget: the Tomkat is made to attack and destroy our enemies while it’s flying at supersonic speed.  All I want to do is cook a pot roast. 


Aside from all the technical hooey, the manual has some great advice all new oven owners need - important reminders like don’t use the oven door as a seat, and wear proper clothing while operating the oven. So I guess all those times I was reheating a hamburger in the microwave while wearing my underwear was a mistake.  Here’s another biggie: do not heat corrosive chemicals in the device. That’s certainly disappointing news for all those folks who like to warm up their hydrochloric acid. 


The oven has is a Jewish setting . Seriously. It allows you to set the timer to cook before the Sabbath.  Honestly, I didn’t know there were that many Hasidic Jews buying kitchen appliances.  And when did our appliances get religion anyway?  I guess now we should say remember the Sabbath and keep it at 350 degrees for an hour.  You know the Jewish setting is being used when you look in the oven window and see the gravy parting down the middle.  What’s next, a Catholic stove that only cooks fish on Fridays? 


We’ve just gone out of our minds when it comes to accessories and so-called improvements on, well, everything. I’m all for progress, and love inventions that have made my life easier, but so many of them are useless. How about a Tic Tac dispenser that keeps the mints from rattling in your pocket?  That’s a great idea - if you’re a stalker. Did you know there’s a hot sauce syringe that infuses hot sauce inside your burrito? And an iPhone case with a compartment for candy like M&Ms and Skittles? 


Thomas Edison would be so proud. 

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