The Vine That Ate The South

 

I remember the first time I really paid attention to it. I was a young teenager riding in the countryside with my father.  We passed a broad swath of it, covering what once was  pasture land. Some kind of leafy vine not only had the ground blanketed, but the trees and telephone poles on the property appeared to be drowning in a sea of green. An abandoned house resembled a giant chia pet more than it did a home.  Dad looked at it, shook his head and said, “Kudzu and Southern Baptists are taking over this state.” That’s a true statement - although nowadays privet hedge and Pentecostals are giving both of ‘em a run for their money. 

Kudzu is called “the vine that ate the South” - and that ain’t a compliment.  We hate it. Why?  First of all, it has a scary name - it actually rhymes with voodoo.  And if you give it enough time, kudzu  will engulf anything, leaving trees, poles, and houses looking like a scene from a 50’s horror movie. We even have a name for them - kudzu monsters.  Of course, all of us have heard stories of it growing a foot a day (not a wives tale, it really can happen).  Finally, a field of kudzu  looks like it’s full of snakes.   

I did some research before I wrote this piece, and learned a lot about this fuzzy-leafed menace. Kudzu did indeed come from the Orient.  I always thought that some fool imported this stuff from Japan to help with erosion. That’s not quite right. It was first brought over from Japan in 1876 to an international exposition  where it was marketed as a garden plant.  It’s hard to believe that this stuff was originally used to landscape around houses.  Not today. I don’t think you’ll ever hear someone say, “Honey, you know what would look nice by our azaleas?  A big ol’bed of kudzu.”

In the 1930’s farmers began to use it to stop erosion.  In fact, the government encouraged it’s use by growing millions of seedlings and then paying anyone who would sow the vine. And you thought  people hate the government now - wait until they discover that the Feds are responsible for helping to spread kudzu. In the mid 40’s the government quit paying subsidies, and the planting stopped. Too late -  over a million acres had been cultivated.  Unfortunately, it thrives in the south. For example, Alabama is estimated to have 250,000 acres of the stuff, so it’s something we’ll have to deal with forever.  

Most parts of the plant are edible. Yep, we can eat kudzu.  That seems like a good idea - after all, it’s eating up everything around us, so let’s eat it back.  After all, once redfish was considered trash until some fisherman accidentally burnt it in a cast iron skillet.  Now it’s called “blackened” and it goes for big bucks in fancy-schmancy restaurants. So maybe  Paula Dean could give us a recipe for a kudzu casserole - just add a bunch of butter and bacon to it, that’ll make anything taste good.  Or fry it - goodness knows we fry everything else down here. Honestly, I think I’d be afraid to eat the stuff.  Lord ya’ll, I’m still afraid that if I eat watermelon seeds, the plant will start growing out of my ears. Eating kudzu could be worse -  my entire body may end up full of vines.  

I guess some people say if you can’t beat it, celebrate it. For example, there’s a town in South Carolina has a kudzu festival complete with a parade, arts and crafts, and even a beauty pageant.  I’m not sure how many Miss Americas started out as Miss Kudzu. And if they’re looking for a sponsor, let me suggest Roundup.

Perhaps we could find another kind of use for kudzu that would really put a dent it.  How about a weight loss drug, or a wrinkle remover?  And I’ll bet if we discovered that it cured ED, men would be harvesting it on the roadsides. The kudzu problem would be solved, but it could open a can of worms for a lot of middle aged  housewives. 

If only smoking kudzu would get people high. If that was the case, within six months we have a shortage of the stuff.