Once You Go Black...

 

I want you to know that I am not a communist or a socialist.  For me, it’s free enterprise all the way.    However, recent events have  occurred in my life that make me believe there should be one exception to the free market rule.  Now I firmly believe  there is one industry in this country that a monopoly would  actually improve.   And if we decided to monopolize this industry, it would save countless Americans hours of frustration and millions of dollars.   Yep - I believe there should only be only one company in the United States that manufactures socks.   I make this declaration after going thru my sock drawer for about three hours trying unsuccessfully to match up socks.  

How many shades of black are there?  If you look in my sock drawer, a.k.a. the black hole,  you would say about 207.  So, if there was only one company that made all the black socks, things would be much easier.  One shade of black - decreed by Federal law.  Then we could pull out our drawer, pick any two black socks, and proudly let them cling to our calves knowing they match perfectly. 

But noooooo. My little drawer of horrors  has gold toed, no toed, bands, no bands, patterned, textured, plain, logos - you name it, I’ve got one of ‘em.   Then when you add all of the shades of black into the equation, you get more combinations than a Rubic’s cube.   

This explains why so many men have quit wearing socks with their loafers.  It’s not about style, they can’t find a pair off matching socks. 

Ankle socks are worse. No only do you get shade and texture variations,  these companies feel compelled to put their logos on them. So, for Nike, Adidas, and New Balance, let me be honest: stop it - nobody cares.  Never in my life have I had someone look below below my knees  and say, “Heyyyyyy, are those Nike ankle socks?”

Of course some of you will undoubtedly say, “But the logo will help match them up!”  That’s true - assuming there are two of the same sock in the dryer. But that’s not ever the case with me.  Example: about 4 weeks ago, I was stupid enough to buy three pair of ankle  socks, each with a different colored heel. The thought process was, “well, that will be at least 3 pair I can match up.”  What a lie I told myself.  After about two washings, I have only 3 ankle socks, each with a different colored heel.  Where do they go?  How do they vanish?  And why is it only one sock left?  I even tie them them in knots and they still vanish. I have a theory: the heat and rotation of the dryer, coupled with the chemicals in the dryer sheet, somehow creates a temporary portal to another dimension.   I’m pretty sure that soon the Discovery Channel will turn this in to a realty show. “Next on the Curse of Ankle Sock Island, we look at the discovery of an ancient weaving loom that contains  a shade of black wool believed to have been used by one legged Templar knights to make socks they wore on their secret trips to America.” 

Sometimes all this makes me wish we went barefoot like hobbits. 

Uh oh.  Sorry - time to go. I’ve got to head down to the grocery store.  I wonder if they’ll let me inside without shoes? 

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#wheredoallmysocksgo

#howmanyshadesofblack