Disney - Drama & Dehydration




 


Question: How is it possible to drink a gallon of water in a day and only go to the bathroom once?  Answer: When it’s 104 degrees and you are walking around in Disney World.  I did it last week - and now I know what a roast feels like when it’s in the oven.  The only real relief you got from the heat was when you walked past a restaurant or shop with an open door and felt a fleeting gust of air conditioning.  Everywhere you looked people were hugging walls to get a tiny sliver of shade. They reminded me of people in the movies who somehow got stuck on a ledge of a skyscraper.   Add a sleepy 3 year old in a stroller, a couple of whiny 10 year olds, a wife on a electric scooter who is an absolute terror, and a son who loses his credit card, then you have my day at Epcot.  


I made the mistake of leaving my sneakers at home. So I walked the  parks in a pair of Keen sandals.  Honestly, I doubt it made any difference.  If you are on your feet for over 8 hours,  I don’t care if you're walking on feather pillows, they are gonna hurt. 


Of course my wife was not walking at all. She had an electric scooter.  If only she knew how to drive it.  All day long she veered from side to side like she was dodging traffic barrels on the highway. There’s no telling how many families she almost plowed into.  Once as we were entering the cue for one of the busier rides, she rammed the security chain that was blocking one of the walking lanes, bringing the entire line behind us to a halt.  I still have no idea why she did that - Stevie Wonder could have seen that chain. So embarrassing.  Curiously, on the drive back home she offered to take the wheel right outside Atlanta.  I said, “Do you think I’m going to let you drive an automobile thru Atlanta, Georgia when you couldn’t drive a scooter thru Disney World?


Round and round the park we walked, stopping periodically for a scheduled Disney ride.  All of them are amazing. However, if you boil any of them down to their essence, the rides are basically a long period of anticipation, followed by about 5 minutes of actual excitement.  Pretty much every guy’s wedding night. 


Finally, after about 9 hours and  $10,000, we rode our last ride and staggered for the exit.  As if the park wanted to grate my nerves one last time, when we walked by the Mexico pavilion a mariachi band started playing the Macarena song.  Why don’t you just hit me in the toe with a ball ping hammer?  I suppose it could’ve been worse - they could have been playing  Achey Breaky Heart. Thank God for small miracles. 


Finally we approached the exit. As we passed the giant ball on the way out, I noticed a father pointing his finger at his son and sternly saying, “If you don’t straighten up, we are leaving this park and going home right now!”


I smiled. Misery loves company, I guess.   Maybe most families at Disney are more alike than we know. 


Then I chugged a large bottled water, took three Advil, and fished my car keys out of my pocket. 


Find more of Joe’s stories on his blog: https://mylifeasahobby.blogspot.com/?m=1. Also, follow him on Facebook at: Joe Hobby Comedian- Writer. 


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