Dear Coach DeBoer

 

Dear Coach DeBoer,  

I would like to welcome you and your family to Alabama, both the university and the state. I hope that we can share many wonderful years together. I know you haven’t spent much time in the Deep South, so I’ve decided to  generously give you a few pointers, some tips that should help you as you get to know us. 

My first suggestion to you is when someone from Alabama asks where you are from, tell them that you’re from the south – South Dakota. And then say something about your accent.  A bit of self- depreciating humor will really get you off on the right foot with folks down here. 

And  please don’t be offended if people initially mispronounce your name. DeBoer sounds a lot like da beer as in, “Hey Verne, hand me da beer!”  This is a phrase used frequently in our state. 

I know you’ve probably been eating a lot of healthy food in the northwest like grilled salmon.  Not so much here. In Alabama, most of the fish we eat is catfish, and it will be dipped in cornmeal and deep fried in grease. You will discover that it is delicious, along with its plate companion which looks like a fried ping pong ball. We call those hush puppies. Oh, and you must understand that when we say barbecue, it does not refer to just anything you throw on a grill.  No!  The barbecue we refer to in the Deep South is usually pork - most likely ribs. In fact, one of the first things you should do in Tuscaloosa is make a pilgrimage to Dreamland.  And if you really want to ingratiate yourself to the fan base, jorder ribs and white bread with no sides. The old timers will love you for that. It’s what they call “old-school.” 

Speaking of restaurants,  be aware that when a waitress calls you “hon”, they are not talking about Attila. This is a term of endearment you should get used to.  And please don’t do anything silly in a meat and three restaurant like order water with lemon. This will cast immediate suspicion towards you and your family. You always order sweet tea – pronounced sweetee.  Yes, it’s pretty much brown colored glucose, but learn to sip a little of it.  

When people talk about greens in southern restaurants, they are generally not referring to something you putt on at a golf course. Greens are something people in the south eat - after they are doused with pepper sauce - it’s that tiny bottle you see on almost every restaurant table in Alabama. The pungent aroma will make you think someone poured vinegar over dozens of tiny peppers  – which they did.   Don’t worry. Shake a little of it on your greens and dig in. You’ll be glad you did. We won’t even talk about grits right now, but until we do, you need to remember one thing: never, ever, put sugar in them. Just butter will work just fine.

It’s OK to play golf – even Nick Saban likes to play golf. However, getting boned up on NASCAR will make people fall all over you.  

You may notice that our dirt down here isn’t black and flaky. Nope - it’s red clay. No need to wonder, that’s just the way it is in this part of the world.  However, is okay to ask someone if you can make pottery out of it.  I’m sure you can. 

Something else that may strike you as curious are the huge expanses of leafy green vines that seems to be all over the place. It is. We call it kudzu, and it grows so fast it can cover a good sized house it about two days.  It will be perfectly acceptable to look at it, shake your head and say, “ Wow. Kudzu and Southern Baptists are everywhere in  this state.”   

Finally, I saw a picture of your beautiful family. I’m certainly glad that your wife and daughters have straight hair. That’s because in the summer, the combination of heat and humidity can cause a dogs hair to curl. Tell your girls that ball caps and pony tails are perfectly acceptable in the world of Alabama summertime fashion. 

A couple more things that are critical. Throw the ball to the tight end. Even Coach Saban didn’t do that enough. And be sure to beat Auburn every year. Do that, and all the other stuff I talked about above won’t even matter. 

Hope this helps. 

Sincerely,

Joe Hobby

Class of 1975

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