It’s A Pain In The…Back

 

When I first get out of bed,  I do what I always do - go over my pain checklist. Lower back, yep. Right hip, ouch. Right elbow, oooooh. Right shoulder, owww.  Left foot, ohh. Yep, it’s another typical morning. 

I told the doctor at my last check up I think the warranty on this body has expired. I’m sure aches and pains are just a natural by-product of the aging process, but it’s hard to understand. During my younger years, only excessive exertion would cause soreness. An especially hard workout at the gym was sure to make me a little stiff the next day. Now, every morning without fail, I wake up sore. Apparently, sleeping seven hours is too much exertion for me.  My wife says the pain happens because I “slept on it wrong”. That is a term no one under the age of 40 has ever heard or said before - I slept on it wrong. It’s a thing for people over fifty.  For example, now if I sleep with a pillow is a half inch too high, I’ll have a crick in my neck the next day. I have to tilt my head when I walk around, making me look like I’m searching for a book in the library. 

As I’ve gotten older, things I used to pay no attention have the potential to cause me great pain. Last year, I sneezed and pulled a muscle in my ribcage. Have you ever heard of anyone in their thirties doing that?  Now I’m scared to death of what may happen if I get the hiccups.  

Currently, my hip is giving me trouble. And it’s frustrating, because I’ve tried about everything to get relief.  I’ve gone to the orthopedic doctor, had x-rays, and a shot in my hip. I’ve been to physical therapy. I’ve had a deep tissue massage. I’ve had dry needling, and not to be forgotten, made frequent visits to the chiropractor. Nothing seems to be working. 

As for the dry needling, If you haven’t tried this procedure, I’ll give you the lowdown. It felt like someone was sticking a knitting needle in my hip - repeatedly. I think dry needling was developed as a torture technique by Islamic terrorists. During the last session, they  hooked the needles up to some low voltage electricity. To give you an idea of how bad that was, I confessed to shooting Kennedy from the grassy knoll. 

I still do yoga and water aerobics at the YMCA. It’s my personal opinion that the worst thing I can do now is nothing. Of course, my reasons for exercise have changed.  Now, when I go to the gym, its function over form. A lot of the younger guys go in there to get their bodies looking great. I go so I can open pickle jars without assistance. 

When I asked the doctor about the next course of action for my hip, he shrugged and said,  “Have you tried BenGay?” Everyone wants to be a comedian. 

I replied, “Let’s try apple cider vinegar first.  That stuff is supposed to be good for everything.  And maybe it will help me more than all the junk we’ve tried so far.”  Honestly, I would’ve felt better if he told me there’s a witch doctor in New Orleans with a voodoo doll who’s sticking a pin in my hip. That’s about the only  alternative that we haven’t considered. 

It’s a sure sign you’re getting on up there in the years when you begin to tell other old people about your maladies. And once you do, the person that you’re talking to will 1) counter with an affliction that’s worse than yours or, 2) tell you about someone they know who has an ailment that’s worse than either one of you. It’s kind of like playing poker, but instead of cards, we use health problems.

“All right Bob, I’ve got an inflamed prostate and a knee that needs a steroid shot.”

“Think I got you beat George. I’ve got a hip that has to be replaced, my wife has a mole that looks suspicious, and I’ve started using the little blue pill.” 

When I play this game with my 80 year-old brother he always seems to one up me. That’s because he ends his list of maladies  by saying, “You just wait ‘til you’re my age. You ain’t seen nothing yet.”  

I hate it when he wins.  Next time I’m going to tell him to shut up and go buy some BenGay.