Oh Snap…Crackle, and Pop!

 

When I first get out of bed, I do what I always do - go over my pain checklist. Lower back - stiff. Right hip - ouch. Right elbow - check. Right shoulder - owww.  Left foot - ohh. Neck - yep. It’s just another typical morning. I’m moving slower than the Tin Man before Dorothy oils his joints. I could write a country song about waking up and call it “Another Three Motrin Morning.” And I get no sympathy from my 81 year-old brother. When I complain about my maladies, he just laughs and said,” Just wait.”

At my last check up I told my doctor that the warranty on this body has expired. I know pains are just a natural by-product of the aging process, but it’s hard to understand. In my younger days, only lots of exercise would make me sore. I knew that a hard workout at the gym was sure to make me stiff the next day. Now, every morning, every single morning, I wake up sore. Apparently sleeping seven hours was too much exertion for me. What’s worse, more times than not, I have the dreaded crick in my neck. Sometimes I can barely turn to the left or right.  My wife says it’s because I “slept on it wrong”.  That’s a term no one under the age of 40 has ever heard - it’s a saying for people over fifty.  Now, if I fall asleep and my pillow is a half inch too high, I’ll hurt all day. I even have to tilt my head when I walk around, making me look like I’m searching for a book in the library. 

My right hip is really bothering me right now. I’m sure it hurts because of the thousands practice balls I’ve hit over the years trying to improve my golf game. And it’s frustrating, because I’ve tried about everything.  I’ve gone to the orthopedic doctor, had x-rays, and a shot in my hip. I’ve done physical therapy. I’ve had a deep tissue massage.  I’ve even tried dry needling, and of course,  made frequent visits to the chiropractor. Nothing seems to be working. Maybe I’ll try medical marijuana - not for me, for my wife who’s tired of hearing me complain. 

As for the dry needling, If you haven’t tried this procedure, I’ll give you the lowdown. It felt like someone was sticking an ice pick in my hip. I think it was developed as a torture technique by Islamic terrorists. To give you an idea of how bad it hurt, the last time they dry needled me, I confessed to shooting Kennedy from the grassy knoll. 

I still do yoga and water aerobics at the Y because it’s  my personal opinion that the worst thing I can do is nothing.  Of course, my reasons for exercise have changed as I’ve gotten older.  Now when I go to the gym, it’s function over form - lots of the younger guys go in there to get their bodies looking great - not me. I go so I can open pickle jars without assistance. 

When I asked my  physician about our next course of action for my hip, he shrugged and said,  “Have you tried BenGay?” Everyone wants to be a comedian. 

I replied, “Let’s try apple cider vinegar first.  That stuff is supposed to be good for everything.  And maybe it will help me more than all the crap you’ve suggested.” 

If he keeps this up, he’s gonna be a doc in a box. Honestly, I would’ve felt better if he told me there’s a witch doctor in New Orleans who’s sticking pins in a voodoo doll of me. Maybe about all that’s left for me to do is try medical marijuana. It may not help my aches and pains, but I won’t care about them as much.  

I do know this. I’m gonna keep on keeping on. It’s what all of older folks us should do. And to all of the Gen XYZ’ers out there who think this won’t happen to you. 

Just wait.