Open Your Mouth & Shut Up!


A scene from the movie Marathon Man.  


“I went for my check up the other day. I hate that time of year. It’s humiliating to have to strip down to your underwear and put on that paper gown,  and wait in that tiny room until they come in and start pushing and probing every part of your body. I don’t think my dentist outta be doing that anyway.”  


That’s a joke from my standup comedy act. I suppose I’ve got dentists on my mind because I just came from getting my teeth cleaned. It’s the second time with a new hygienist.  My former one, Erin, changed jobs, so after about 20 years of scraping, flossing and x-raying,  I’m having to get used to someone else.  It’s kind of like dating somebody for a long time, and then breaking up. There’s some sadness, and you miss that familiarity, but you have to face the fact that now another person will be intimate with your mouth. 


The practice of dentistry has changed a lot in my lifetime - all for the better. Although I miss the little porcelain spittoon, I’m glad that they’ve improved the  x-ray process. 


The old way was so traumatic. You remember: the technician would begin by draping a heavy lead blanket over your vital organs, a move I found quite unsettling. It always made me think, “What are you doing that’s so dangerous I have to be covered with lead?”  There wasn’t much time to wonder because the tech immediately stuck a piece of paperboard in your mouth, positioning it in such a way that it almost poked a hole in your cheek.  At that point, they stepped behind a concrete bunker that looked like it belonged in the movie Oppenheimer. Only then did they hit the x-ray button. Talk about making you feel uneasy!   I always thought that one day my dentist was going to say,   “I’ve got some good news and bad news. The good news is the x-rays show your teeth look fine. The bad news is, you have radiation poisoning.”


Now if they would only do something about those high beam automobile headlights they shine in your face when you’re in the dental chair. It’s like staring directly at the sun. Take my advice:  always put on SPF 30 sunblock before your dental exam.  


I digress. My former hygienist Erin was a feisty little thing with a bit of an attitude.  We would always trade sarcastic barbs and snarky remarks in a good natured way.  Of course, I would always let her have the last word. That’s because she always reminded me she was in charge of sharp objects that were inside my mouth. This was always followed by a reference to the movie Marathon Man.  If you’ve never seen that motion picture and if dentists make you squeamish, do yourself a favor - never turn it on. It’s about a Nazi dentist - need I say more? Watching this film will give you PTDS - that’s Post Traumatic Dental Stress.


Sorry, another digression.  Once before I went in for my checkup and cleaning, I had a great idea for a practical joke.  I decided I would eat an Oreo cookie just before Erin called me back. No brushing or rinsing. Then when I took my place in the seat, I would try to keep a straight face when she asked her standard question, “How are we doing with our dental hygiene?  I had the perfect response planned. I would deadpan, “Well, I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think I’m brushing as much as I should.”  Then I would open my mouth and watch her recoil - freaked out and disgusted.  


But, I chickened out. After all, she was in charge of sharp objects that she puts in my mouth. 


Miss you Erin. 

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